God speaks...... Cat demonstrates....

I have had a rough ride in the last week, and I'm ashamed to say it ended up in a very defeated place. You know those places of: “PLEASE help me give a damn because I truly can't.” I suppose a perfect case for a position on Joyce Meyer's couch, I could just hear her saying "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get up, you don't have to be in this place!!" Yet such a heavy spiritual and empty emotional place was this, that I could actually feel it in my physical body.

This morning, from a very indifferent place I tried to cry out as best as I could. It was awful trying to cry out from a numb heart. You feel dead to any emotion, you know it is the most dangerous place of all, yet not even that fact moves you. I HATE indifference. I remember years ago as a complete baby Christian (not that I feel that grown up now) I beat my steering wheel and cursed all my way to work as I screamed my four- letter frustrations at God for the circumstances I not only found myself in, but truly believed He was responsible for at the time. After loads of angry ranting, like an exasperated child that had cried herself out from a temper tantrum, I found myself begging God for forgiveness, for my stream of four-letter words not to mention bad ass attitude. He gently answered with: "My girl, your anger doesn't offend me. It doesn't even scare me. (Yeah! like I even thought I could get that right) It is rather your indifference that hurts me. Anger is still an emotion, it shows that you care deeply, no matter how you choose to express your caring heart, so long as it is still feeling and caring it is good. Indifference however, is a state of death. So long as you are expressing, you are alive. Yes, we will need to work on how and what you choose to express, but for now my child, keep expressing to me and NEVER STOP!!! For it is this that keeps your heart open to receive from me and as you continue to draw near to me, so I will transform you into the image of My Son, and small issues of bad attitudes and language will fall off of you"

Needless to say my sails were windless....

This was 7 years ago, while I was believing God for what seemed like the biggest faith project on the planet (more on that later). 7 years down the line, a lot of expressing, a lot of going my own way and biting the dust, more injuries than I care to count and way too many trails of blood from from untreated wounds, I sadly learnt the place of indifference. I learnt to go numb, to check out, to not bother, to give up. And as with anything I do, I have done this well and with excellence. You see, the initial gifting’s and pieces of Himself that God places in you don't go away because you happen to be a sinner at the time, or happen to be temporarily off His path cutting your own, they just get used by the "other side" (kingdom of darkness) at the time. Doing things with excellence has always been who God is and what He is about, and I believe that this characteristic along with so many others has been placed in every human being on the planet, saved or unsaved. These characteristics are ingrained in us as they are ingrained in God, since we are made in His likeness and image. We become more in His likeness once we choose Him, His life and to go His way, but the point is the enemy can do nothing to take these characteristics from us, and since he hates anything Godly with a passion he will do all he can to pervert or twist them as he does with everything. He will work to either stop you doing things excellently for God or cause that characteristic to be used for HIS plans and purposes.

God has been working with my husband and myself to get us back on track for what seems like a long time now, and recently it has felt as though things are coming to a head in certain areas. The closer to our goals we get the more opposition heads our way, but I am proud to say we have fought back, we have conquered what we never thought possible in the past. I suppose I should be happy to report that the enemy needed to use a new tactic against us, he needed to up his game against us in the last week, he hit us from an area we didn't see coming. I see it now and won't let it happen again, but never the less he threw a curve ball. It has been a rough week of falling, falling, falling, and no ledges in sight to grab onto, the few I reached for crumbled and more falling. This morning as my dear husband tried all he knew to talk me back to a place of sanity, vision and hope, the angrier I became.

It was only as I sat alone with fear enveloping me, that I tried one last time to cry out for help. I was begging God to help me to care enough to fight. It's all very well telling someone to fight and explaining the benefits thereof, but when the despair has reached a place of pointlessness, emptiness and sheer blackness it truly is difficult to fight and shout da victory shout. It's such an awful place that even if you knew you would die and go to hell at that very moment if you didn't fight back, it would make no real difference. There truly is NO fight left. Just for the record this is a place that has become a distant bad memory for me, it used to be a regular occurrence in my life, but thanks to a brilliantly, perfect God I have found myself more free than I ever imagined possible. Yes, it has taken a huge fight on my behalf, I have had to learn to stand on those good days and the not so good days, to hate or more like completely despise the "pit place" more than anything. It seems that only when we hate our sin as much as God does, are we in a place to be delivered from it. My man used to often say, it is only when you hate this place you are in enough that God will be able to deliver you from it. It used to make me so angry. I would shout back "Can't you see how desperate I am to be out of this place, do you honestly think I like being here!" Yet the truth of the matter was, part of me was reveling in it, a part of me was feeding off of this behavior and all it represented, all the while I was throwing the biggest pity party topped with streamers and ballons in the pit.

Thank GOD and God alone, (and the amazing man he gave me to share my life with for not giving up on me) that a time came where I not only grew tired of being in these places, but I got angry, and I’m talking “annihilate it’s ass angry” with the true enemy. This morning I was crying from a place of indifference, but deeper, even though my emotions were numb, my spirit was rising up, as I cried out to God and felt absolutely NO sincerity whatsoever in my attempts, I just kept crying out till breakthrough came, till sincerity came, and eventually the emotions followed.

At the time of this transition from black to grey I heard a HUGE commotion near our front door. I knew it was our cat, and it actually sounded like a lion had gotten a hold of her. I rushed to her rescue expecting to find blood, guts and fur due to the horrific screeching taking place, only to discover the lion at the door was not a lion at all, but rather MY sweet kitty cat pouncing through the cat door in hot pursuit of a black cat that had clearly stepped over her boundary line. The cat on the other side of the flap was a little slow on the uptake and didn’t seem to be receiving the very clear message that was being sent his way. My cat would half pounce through the cat flap slap the intruding cat's head and bounce right back, she did this three times with wild hissing and all the ferociousness of a mad, wild animal, as soon as I approached her back, and she sensed my presence behind her, she dived through the door and chased the intruder as far and as fast as she could. Afterward she triumphantly pranced up the stairs with fur appropriately fluffed out to twice her size, she gave me a casual “meow!” as she passed me and my vacant stare and headed to her dish to grab a bite.

God immediately spoke to me. "This, my child is how it is done." You deal with the enemy swiftly and effectively, you don't allow him to get near your doorstep, and when he does, you make sure he knows NEVER to come back again, and you do it all in your stride, all in a days work. It is not difficult, it is not some long drawn out issue, the work has already been done thanks to my blood. It is just simply asserting your authority and claiming what is rightfully yours. Note how, she jumped at the intruding cat and jumped right back into safety and as soon as she knew she had your backing she took the opportunity to pounce and chase. This is how I need you to be, at my instruction you take the pounce, you wait for me and my go ahead, but in the mean time you stay under my wing of protection, you jump through slap his head and jump right back under my protection."

Yes, this is exactly how my God speaks to me, this is exactly why I have a blog to express on, because my walk has NEVER been conventional, and therefore never well received, but it truly has been relevant to ME. I can only hope that it finds some relevance to any of you that read these ramblings, because I know I am not alone in my unconventional experiences with The Creator Of The Universe.

THANK YOU DAD!!!! There are so many facets to you, so much undiscovered territory, if we could all, myself included, learn to loosen up and set you free of our preconceived ideas on how we and religion has defined you… there is NOTHING that holds you except our small mind-sets. Father I pray you free us, free your kids, Dad, free us of the prisons that we have not only placed you in but consequently placed ourselves in too. Thank you for blessing me with a simple creature covered in fur that you have spoken through on many occasions, when human voices were too demanding, judgmental, opinionated and far from free. Yet, I do thank you for every human voice that you have spoken to me through, I know this is your first choice and I pray for a freedom that only You can bring to your body to allow you to express Your unexpressed, and to receive Your expressions taking us into deeper dimensions of yourself, to the unchartered waters, and undiscovered lands of your multifaceted heart of pure, pure love.

LOVE YOU GODIE, MY DAD, MY KING, AND MY LORD. YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!

Your Rocking Princess